Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 18 of 52 - "The Addictive Voice"

“Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.” (Deepak Chopra)

Day 143 AF!!

Another successful week in recovery, a good week in general. I have several topics in my queue for this photography project, often mentioning at the end of each blog post which topic I am leaning toward in the next post. Again I am letting last week's intended idea simmer for a while, and addressing an interesting issue that arose in the past day. This relates to hearing and silencing the "addictive voice".

I am a member of the Japanese Gardens in Portland, OR, a place of calm and beauty. A sanctuary for contemplation and an always enjoyable photography location. I have been thinking of a visit soon, early morning with my camera and fewer visitors. This morning I received a promotional email from the Gardens, announcing fund-raising activities and promoting a special event. The event was labeled "In Praise of Time - Celebrating a Century of Japanese Whisky". (The text of the event is included below for reference, the misspelling of whiskey is theirs, not mine.)

I read through the details of the event, thinking, "No, probably not for me", and moved the email to my trash bin. Later in the day I thought of scheduling a visit to the gardens, specifically for photography, and damned if I recalled the "Whisky" celebration, a thought forming, my inner voice whispering, and I paraphrase, "Hey, that's a cultural event. It would be safe. The people there wouldn't be "alcoholics". You could go and not drink."

"NO", I thought in response to that line of thinking. I stopped the thought train immediately, knowing that the addictive voice would next be telling me, "Hey, maybe you could control it, maybe just one .... you're handling it." NO! Instead, I chose to recall my experiences of relapsing, lulled into complacency by that alcoholic siren call, and the pain and suffering that always resulted.

This was not an urge, I had no desire for alcohol, but I recognized that addictive voice from my past relapses. My success here was in being self-aware, practicing mindfulness, recognizing old thought habits, and staying true to my recovery. Perhaps the addictive voice will always be with me, hopefully never strident or painful or frequent, but a voice I must remain wary of.

Staying mindful and strong!

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———————————————————————————

“In Praise of Time” Celebrating a Century of Japanese Whisky

July 21, 2023 / 5:00 - 9:30 PM / Portland Japanese Garden

In reverence of nature and the craft of whisky, Portland Japanese Garden and Multnomah Whisk{e}y Library are partnering on a very special event. This experience of world-class gastronomic immersion will gather luminaries from the world of whisky – including House of Suntory’s Chief Blender Shinji Fukuyo – to Portland.

This once-in-a-life-time gathering of some of the world’s most critically-acclaimed spirits & culinary experts features:

Shinji Fukuyo (Japan) – Chief Blender, Suntory Whisky
Dave Broom (UK) – Spirits Writer & Critique
Marybeth Boller (US) – Executive Chef & Culinary Experience Curator
Jim Meehan (US) – James Beard Award-winning mixologist

Evening Itinerary

Location: Portland Japanese Garden at 611 SW Kingston Ave. Portland, OR 97205
5:00 PM | Doors open
5:30-6:00 PM | Custom tour of Portland Japanese Garden
6:15-7:15 PM | Exclusive tasting program by Shinji Fukuyo, Chief Blender, Suntory Whisky
7:30 PM | Special culinary experience produced by chef Marybeth Boller, and curated mixology by Jim Meehan, esteemed writer and James Beard Award-winning mixologist.
8:30-9:00 PM | Fireside chat with Shinji Fukuyo and Dave Broom
9:30 PM | Evening concludes

https://helpmestop.org.uk/blog/2020/08/addictive-voice/

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 17 - "Now & Then"

“Sometimes, we motivate ourselves by thinking of what we want to become. Sometimes, we motivate ourselves by thinking about who we don’t ever want to be again.”

 – Shane Niemeyer

Day 136 AF!!

This past week has been stable, without stumbles, no, not even close, but no celebratory wins to speak of. I've experienced a recent knee injury, limiting my activities and opportunities for nature walks. I've recognized "triggered" sensations tied to past associations, and mindfully let them pass by harmlessly. I've been honestly a bit more irritable, finding frustration in common experiences  of daily living. I've found myself falling into cynical thinking, being quick to judge others, and making assumptions and conclusions about things without having needed information.  But self-awareness, my recognition of steering toward "negative" thinking has allowed me time to assess and reframe my thoughts and feelings to more positive ones. I am thankful for the practice of mindfulness, knowing it is not always easy, but always necessary for my sobriety.

In the past few weeks, I've joined a handful of Facebook groups based on alcohol recovery just to keep my toe in the recovery waters, and to remind myself I am not swimming alone. I am seeing many members stumble or suffering in early recovery, and I am seeing many members with long periods of success. I know some people find success with belief in a higher power, and some find success within themselves.  I know from research and the testimony of others, as well as my own personal experience that there is no "one" path to recovery. For me, finally realizing I need a why, a reason, a purpose has helped me stay on the recovery path with confidence. I'm still not fully clear on what I want but I am damned certain I don't want to live and die, drunk and alone.

And if my writings in this photography project benefits anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

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Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 16 - "Being Thankful"

“There’s not a drug on earth that can make life meaningful.

– Unknown source on the real reason to fight for drug addiction recovery.

Day 129!

This is not my first time attempting recovery from alcohol abuse. A few times I attempted the effort alone, only succeeding for short periods. Then turning to outside support I experienced recovery groups, finding one that gave me some tools and connection with others of like-mind, enjoying a longer sobriety. But, the relapses returned, for a variety of reasons, almost always for the desire to numb rather than feel the "pain" I attributed to the problems in my life.

What's different in my recovery this time is I am being mindful in my approach to the daily stressors of life. I recognize the need for "pause points" when I feel old "triggers", and I give myself time to thoughtfully respond rather than thoughtlessly react to an "irritation", and worse letting the irritations accumulate. The question that brings me back to focus when thoughts of drinking rise, whether it be to numb pain or to enhance pleasure is, "How would this serve me?"

I have firmly set the answer to this question as, "It won't", recalling the damage done to myself and my relationships. I move on, being prideful of my success in the moment and building my confidence for seeing and resolving potential stumbles.

I have recently joined a handful of Facebook groups focused on recovery and sobriety and I have begun sharing links to my photography project blog and posting occasional daily thoughts and images. As I read through the message streams of these groups, I realize that I am very fortunate, currently. So many others are just starting the work of recovery, they perhaps don't have the tools and support for the effort, and too many others are dealing with significant health, relationship and life struggles that seem overwhelming. My daily problems and frustrations seem trivial and I feel grateful to all of the group members posting their thoughts and feelings, being vulnerable and asking for help, all reminders that my journey is not as difficult as it could be. Thanks to all who are suffering and all who are sharing the journey!!

Staying mindful and strong!

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Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 15 - "A Good Birthday"

“Recovery is not simple abstinence. It’s about healing the brain, remembering how to feel, learning how to make good decisions, becoming the kind of person who can engage in healthy relationships, cultivating the willingness to accept help from others, daring to be honest, and opening up to doing.” ~ Debra Jay

Day 122.

Well, I consider this week to have been a successful week, even a cause for celebration. This past Tuesday was my 65th birthday, a rather significant one for many people. This is the first birthday in the past four years that I remained sober and I fully enjoyed the clarity and steadiness that has come with this recovery effort. This is the first time in years I've woken in the morning after a birthday, without a horrible hangover, without the regret and shame that always follow a period of alcohol misuse. I felt good, I felt solid, and I was looking forward to what comes in my recovery journey!

Not being alone was the most significant difference this year. In past years I have gone silent for reasons I will ponder in a future post. But this time I was enjoying "Happy Birthday" messages coming through social media, I shared a morning nature hike with a Meetup group, I had good phone conversations and well wishes with my family and friends, and I had a great afternoon and dinner with one of my best friends. The experience of the day was very uplifting and not once did I feel urges to drink.

I saw this birthday approaching and experienced some apprehension, recalling those past "lost" birthdays. Not overly concerned that I was at risk and feeling confident in my current sobriety, I was giving mindful attention to thoughts and concerns arising about the "triggers" that still exist in my memory of past years. One thought that did come to me during the evening was about how I would feel the next day, when the birthday was over, would I feel an anticlimactic "let down" and how would I deal with it. I was happy to discover the next morning that I was feeling good and ready for the new year in my life. The day after I had both a therapy session to share my success and carpet cleaning scheduled to make my apartment sparkle.

In summary, the values that were evident to me in the week and what made my birthday a special day this year was my own mindfulness and strength in my recovery, the support of family and friends, connection with others and the world, and looking forward with optimism to my sober life!

Next time, perhaps my experience with SMART Recovery or Meetup as support for my recovery.

Staying strong!

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Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 14 - "Some Valuable YouTube Resources"

‘It is not from ourselves that we learn to be better than we are.’ – Wendell Berry

Day 115. Another week moving forward in alcohol abstinence, another week appreciating my sobriety. I am feeling much more confident in this period of recovery, heck, even pride! But I also admit that thoughts of past relapses and withdrawals still bring memories of pain and shame, deserving a cautious observance of my current state in recovery.

When the painful memories recede, when the "possibility" of casual drinking crosses my mind, no matter how briefly or how quickly dismissed, I know that I have resources I can turn to for support in staying the sober course. My current practices and habits are working, but sometimes I need to reach beyond the here and now, outside of myself for recovery support.

For this week, I wanted to share a few of my most valuable media resources I have used in the past and that I return to when needed for both comfort and strength in my recovery. These don't take precedence over the concern and compassion offered by family and friends, but are valuable tools for my journey. Following are four primary YouTube sources that are always available, 24/7, when I feel the need for encouragement or enlightenment:

Kevin O'Hara - Habits Unplugged V2

Kevin O'Hara is a man with a history of alcoholism and recovery. He has been producing YouTube content for over 10 years, writes books, and offers a successful recovery program, called HabitsV2. I like his videos as he often walks in nature and calmly, but matter-of-factly discusses the possibility of and tools for recovery and success in abstinence. His methods and style mesh well with my Smart Recovery experience and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).

Kati Morton - Therapy in a Nutshell

Kati Morton is a licensed therapist, author and public speaker who is well-known for her YouTube channel focused on mental health where she covers a wide range of topics, including family dynamics, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, trauma, and more. I like her for her calm and clear presentation about the subjects that hit close to home for me in recovery.

Amber Hollingsworth - Put the Shovel Down

Amber Hollingsworth is a Master Addiction Counselor, with a life-long experience of addiction in her family. I like her calm and clear presentation and she not only discusses addiction and recovery for my substance use directly but provides guidance for family and friends in relationship to abusers. This has helped me to gain a perspective of myself from other's points of view.

Dr. Gabor Mate' - plenty of assorted speeches and interviews available via search on YouTube

Dr. Mate' is a brilliant Canadian psychologist who has been involved in the addiction community for years and speaks about the impact of early childhood trauma, and related subjects. He has some great books from his experience and research, one being "In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts". His work helps me to understand and work with my reasons for substance use.

I do believe that the full video experience is the most engaging, giving me the feel of connection with the presenter, but I also will download episodes for offline listening so they are available 24/7, while driving and at other times the web is not available. There are many other YouTube channels and thousands of videos available on the topics of addiction and recovery. These are my top four that I know I can go to when the need for recovery support arises.

Obviously, there are boundless resources for the journey of recovery .... the love and support of family, friends, and community, faith, meetings, programs, social connection, books, podcasts, etc., and I've only presented a small sample of internet media that have been significant for my efforts. I find what works for me and then apply as needed.

Next time, perhaps my experience with SMART Recovery.

Staying strong!

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Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 13 - "Flexing the Sobriety Muscle"

"You can always find a distraction if you're looking for one." - Tom Kite

Day 108. Another week moving forward in alcohol abstinence, another week appreciating my sobriety.

But also a somber week. I've paused a possible long-term partnership with a beautiful, kind and loving woman, partly because I don't feel strong and certain in my sobriety. And partly for the unanswered questions below.

1. I don't yet trust myself in sobriety, and I don't understand how I can be trusted by those I've harmed with my relapses. When will I trust myself, how will I know?

2. Am I letting unresolved fears and experiences from the past keep me always guarded from hurt, and trying not to hurt others?

3. Evaluating where I am on my recovery journey, am I capable and available for a long-term relationship?

In answer to the first question during a counseling session, I realized that I am feeling strong in my recovery, combining a variety of tools and techniques into an ongoing practice of sobriety. See Post 08 about my healthy grounding habits.

The success and strength I am feeling in my recovery are solid, but my lack of self trust still exists because I find myself continuing to engage in other long-term problematic behaviors that provide distraction, numbing, and/or excitement ... ways of avoiding the effort of living a purposeful life. These "addictive" behaviors also bring feelings of shame, then leading to dishonesty with myself and others. For example, the following points briefly describe three recent incidents of long-term addictive behaviors:

1. I seldom watch television shows, but recently found myself scrolling through Netflix for something in the action genre to watch, thinking I was bored and a safe activity was a good choice. I found a series called "Night Agent", the synopsis sounded good, so I watched the first episode. I liked it. Then I proceeded to the next episode. And the next. At the end of a long afternoon I had binge-watched the complete season.

2. I used to enjoy video games, especially first person shooter and adventure games. I admit to still enjoying some play time with older classics. Like the TV bingeing above, I recently sat down on a day I was feeling a bit down, and escaped into five hours of engaging, but unfullfilling gameplay.

3. I like technology and gadgets, whether it be with photography gear or "all things" computer. For years I have found myself diving into a "shopping" trance, thinking I needed a new thing because the old thing wasn't good enough. Recently, I bought a new tablet computer, enjoying the online "hunt" of reading reviews, watching YouTube videos, and searching for the lowest online price with the fastest delivery time. This "hunt" provided lot's of dopamine hits. But after the unnecessary purchase, the shopping "high" was gone, and the shame I felt led me to conceal my activity from friends and family.

The awareness I am coming to with these recent experiences is that my practice of sobriety is strong, but my lack of attention to other problematic behaviors leaves me feeling less than capable and not trustworthy. I am likely engaging in these other distracting and "addictive" behaviors for the same reasons that led me to drink - fear, boredom, and loneliness.

So, I have decided to begin addressing these other problematic behaviors with the same practices that support my sobriety. Not all at once, but to pay attention to the most "costly" one in terms of time and money, and when the desire to engage arises, to mindfully pause and ask myself, "How does this serve me?" At this point I can practice self-analysis, understand my motivations, and make better decisions, hopefully.

Next time, a report on my effort and success in this area, and to address my fears of the future and uncertainty.

Staying strong!

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[The images displayed here are my own captures and edits, reflecting my thoughts of journeying toward the unknown, never sure what I will encounter around the bend, accepting whatever comes.]

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 12 – "Boredom is a Choice"

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new. – Socrates

Day 101. Another week moving forward in alcohol abstinence, another week appreciating my sobriety.

In last week's post, I suggested tackling a fear for the next topic. But again, I found another topic coming to the forefront. Boredom! (*see definitions below)

Certain events this week raised memories of my past where I used alcohol, distraction, and procrastination to dull the unhappiness of boredom. The events "triggered" actual negative emotions and physical sensations that I felt in the past when doing things I did not want to do, meeting expectations with silence and a smile, surrendering to the desire for escape, for numbness. After some contemplation I brought this thought train full circle back to a real and current fear - the fear of relapse.

I admit to a number of lapses in the past where boredom, and likely other factors in combination led me to choose the solace of substance use. Given my current success at my ongoing recovery, I worry that my confidence combined with old "triggers" rising that I might succumb to that little voice saying, "maybe just one" or "it'll be OK this time, because you can handle it". I have failed this test more times than I want to admit. And relapse is not an option during my current recovery journey!

Boredom happens. Whether it was a lack of imagination or incentive to find something engaging to do during my empty time, or it was imposed by extrinsic expectations with tedious and never-ending activities that I didn't want to do, I chose to numb myself to the boredom. Now I am reframing my idea of boredom, taking responsibility for my response to boredom, eliminating periods of idleness with activities I enjoy, or changing my perspective to a positive view of tasks I must do (e.g., filing taxes, laundry, waiting at the DMV).

For me, this week's success was in recognizing those old feelings related to boredom and choosing to respond differently, actually sharing my remembered feelings with others rather than stuff the feelings down. Self-awareness, mindfulness and recognizing "pause points" are skills that I have been developing in this recovery cycle. Call these skills, tools or habits, these are working for me, not just for boredom but for other issues that have been problematic in my past substance abuse. Recovery feels much more solid this time!

Next time I may attempt to tackle another specific fear that I have, but as always, I will address the most resonant recovery issue for me in the week.

Have a good week!

* Bored

adjective

feeling unhappy because something is not interesting or because you have nothing to do.

* Boredom

noun [ U ]

the state of being bored.

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Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 11 – "It Was Just A Dream"

The simple truth of things is that bad dreams are far better than bad wakings.

- Stephen King

Day 94.

Another week moving forward in my sobriety. Addressing the issue of complacency in recovery in last week's post, I thought I would begin to address confronting my fears, a rather vague and broad subject. A series of posts on the variety of fears I have would likely be the result in order to keep these weekly posts to a digestible one page length. Well, I'm leaving my fears on the table for now and going with the subject of "relapse" dreaming.

I had two dreams this week directly tied to my history of alcohol abuse and my recovery. Both dreams seemed so real that at the moment of waking I honestly felt the emotions of shame, guilt and regret that used to be part of my “drinking” life. Fortunately, these emotions faded a bit as I realized I had only been dreaming. But, it honestly scared me. After the second dream, I decided that these events deserved my attention, to analyze the dreams and use the learning to benefit my recovery. For anyone wanting to know more about “relapse dreaming” I will include a couple web links below, and there are many other resources to be found with an online search. Now to summarize the dreams I had and the feelings that I had.

In the first dream, I was in a nondescript shopping center, with many nondescript shoppers, and I was intending to buy some alcohol. I recall the thought that I would need to hide it, but I knew I could get away with it if I was careful. I also rationalized that I had already been drinking the day before (in my dream) and that it didn’t matter because I had already relapsed. I woke at this point and actually thought for a moment that I had truly relapsed. While taking my morning coffee I thought about the dream and how I actually felt shame and guilt for relapsing and for the deceit I was contemplating to hide the new purchase and continuing relapse. Shit! Pondering this dream had me wondering what may be underlying the dream: perhaps the urge to lapse, for whatever false comforts my drug could bring, or perhaps fears that I might lapse, complacency and overconfidence leaving me vulnerable. Fear?

In the second dream, I was in a nondescript urban area, a number of nondescript residents around. Two real friends from years past were in the dream and had just purchased some nearby property with plans to build and develop. They were wondering about how best to clear part of the land and get “squatters” out of an old house. The impactful part of the dream was when I tried to offer my advice and my help, that these old friends did not trust me, pointing out past times when I had been dishonest about my drinking behavior. Again, the dream felt so real, the emotions of shame and guilt, the sense of loss of the friendships, and the breaking of trust brought to the forefront. Regret? Distrust?

The day following each of these dreams left me feeling a bit down, reliving the emotions that resulted from drinking behaviors and my choices to use. After some contemplation and sharing thoughts about these with friends and my therapist, I have decided to look at these dreams in a positive light. These dreams were reminders of my past problematic choices and behaviors. These dreams “allowed” me to experience the negative emotions and consequences that resulted, which I will use to reinforce my resolve to stride forward in sobriety. These dreams were actually gifts, provided I learn from them and future ones.

“I cannot change my past, but I can change my future.”

Well, it’s getting late. Time for sleep!

Next time I’ll attempt to tackle a specific fear that I have.

Have a good week!

Relapse dreams - Science Daily

Sinning in Your Sleep - Psychology Today

(My search on the internet for "relapse dreams" resulted in many links to specific recovery centers and I didn't want to promote any of them here, though I would suggest a lot of learning here for anyone wanting to pursue the topic.)

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Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 10 – "Complacency"

"Success requires enough optimism to provide hope and enough pessimism to prevent complacency." - David Myers

From Dictionary.Com "complacency" [ kuhm-pley-suhn-see ]

noun, plural com·pla·cen·cies.

a feeling of quiet pleasure or security, often while unaware of some potential danger, defect, or the like; self-satisfaction or smug satisfaction with an existing situation, condition, etc.

Day 87. One week since breaking my 2022 record of abstinence from alcohol. My success at hitting the eighty day goal was a high point for the past week, punctuated with self-pride and accentuated with support and congratulations from friends and family. Yes, a time for celebration, but from my past experience it is also a time for caution.

I have been here before. Successfully moving through early recovery, regaining clarity and confidence, thinking I have this "problem" solved. For a time, moving forward in life with momentum and letting the memories of the last binge, the pain of withdrawals, the cravings for a return to numbness, and the hurt done to others and my relationships with them fade away. "I got this", I say to myself. I lower my guard. I become complacent. A most dangerous time for my substance use disorder!

Looking back at some of my lapses, I can't often identify a specific cause or "trigger" that led to my choice to drink alcohol, but I do know that self-satisfaction and overconfidence led me to thinking, "Just a little" or "just tonight" or "I can handle it now". Sometimes I have just said "Fuck it!" and done it anyway, not even considering the consequences. It may be that my inability to drink in moderation has both physiological and psychological factors. Perhaps a bit of both are in play when I chose to take that first and the following drinks. Whatever the causes, I have repeatedly failed in my sobriety when I have assumed that I have succeeded.

The practice of mindfulness and awareness to my recovery this time is proving successful for now. I am learning to accept the fact that recovery is an ongoing process, that achieving goals and milestones are successes, but also that I must maintain an awareness to events and issues that may trigger fears and the urge to return to past behaviors of escape and numbing. I also think that being hyper-vigilant, always "white-knuckling" through each day, or feeling deprived because I can't drink is negative and exhausting, possibly setting me up for a relapse.

Being mindful of my thoughts and feelings help me see the "potholes" and dangerous curves ahead so that I can make adjustments as I travel safely forward. Another benefit this time around is realizing I have a choice: whether or not I drink, how I feel, who I want to be. This gives me power and optimism. The journey continues, and with my intention, motivations and healthy behaviors and mind set, I look forward to a sober life!

Perhaps for next week I will ponder more deeply the fears I hold - the fears that hold me back!

Have a good week!

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Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 09 – "A Time to Celebrate"

"Celebrate yourself... and stay positive!" ... Khoudia Diop

The Oregon Coast, 2022.

78 ... 79 ... 80! Eighty days since my last lapse with alcohol, and one day more than my longest sober period in all of 2022. I know this because at the start of this photography project I read back through my journal for last year and was able to calculate the dates and lengths of my lapses and sober periods. Reading the past journal entries, I was trying to recall my reasons for lapsing and was reminded again how I've hurt myself and others in the selfish chase of "escape" from responsibility and reality. Remembering the "pain" of each lapse left me feeling down, so I chose not to look back in my prior journals for further "incidents", fanning the flames of shame. No, I decided to take "79" days as the record to beat for now.

And I've done it! Yay!! Hooray!!! Time to celebrate!!!!

No, this is not the end of my effort, but a milestone on my journey of safe sobriety. I recognize day 80 as a success, but I also know that day 81 is a day that complacency or challenge could leave me at risk of relapse. Passage of time is one factor for measuring success in sobriety, but I believe more importantly that positive changes in my beliefs, behaviors and attitudes are, though difficult to measure, the real indicators for my success. Refreshing my intention and motivations to live soberly, as I addressed in Post 06, and embracing healthy habits, as I addressed in Post 08, help me to keep focused each day.

And longer term, my design and commitment to this Recovery52 photography project provides me with a weekly deadline that both excites me and holds me accountable. The thoughts and effort that goes into each weekly blog post and related image provides for me a refresh of my purpose here. How will I feel when I finish Post 52 of this project, a full year of sobriety? Successful, I’m sure, and wanting to celebrate, no doubt. Perhaps a bit of travel, a photo workshop, or a great weekend at the beach? But I’ll also remember that day 366 is tomorrow and I will continue living with intention! And I will have new goals and maybe a new photography project in the future to give me momentum.

I am thinking on a word used above, “complacency”, as my next subject, as this underlaid some of my lapses from last year.

Have a good week!

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Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 08 - "My Healthy Grounding Habits"

“Healthy habits harbor happiness.”

― Zero Dean, Lessons Learned from The Path Less Traveled Volume 1: Get motivated & overcome obstacles with courage, confidence & self-discipline

Last week, my blog post discussed being present and responding to situations and irritations, to release anxieties in the moment rather than storing them for overload . This week I wanted to pick up the topic of behaviors and activities that I have found to be almost indispensable in my recovery journey. This is to be simply a list and brief commentary on each item, the whole comprising my recovery "toolbox", the set of recovery “tools” that work for me.

Later posts will address each with more detail, explaining how I engage in each and the benefits I derive.

⦁ Connection: Being in touch with loved ones, friends, family and acquaintances is necessary for human contentment and nourishment. Even though I consider myself to be more of an introvert, I need connection with others, and I am a better person thanks to the support of others!

⦁ Daily Planning: Each day I write down the tasks I am aware of and things I want to do, the first item on my task list being, "Sobriety/Well-Being". A daily reminder of my intention for sobriety, and it feels good at the end of the day when I can check this item off.

⦁ Journaling: Not really structured, I capture thoughts on how I slept, what I'm eating, what I'm feeling good about, what may be bothering me, etc. I find that analyzing problems and troubling thoughts in my journal is more successful when I'm writing and sticking to a train of thought. Typically I capture thoughts in the morning and again in the evening before settling in with a good book.

⦁ Acts of Creation: This "can of worms" includes my passion for photography, my love of cooking and, more lately, jigsaw puzzling. These are activities that I find very engaging, putting me into the "zone" or "flow state". At the end of a good session, regardless the creative act, I have a result and a sense of satisfaction, and sometimes I have even learned something new.

⦁ Morning Coffee & Creativity: My typical morning starts with "C&C" (Coffee and Creativity), where I brew my first cup of coffee and then sit with my computer and find a couple of photos shot recently or taken long ago, and then practice my photo critique and editing skills. This time gets my creative mind excited for the day.

⦁ Exercise: Besides hiking, I typically do a home workout with simple gear every other day. Using my prior experience as a personal trainer, I can quickly design a strength and cardio routine using simple fitness gear that targets the whole body. Pushing, pulling and squatting movements plus heart-rate increasing activities like jumping jacks that take not much more that 30 minutes is necessary for both my body and mind.

⦁ Time in Nature: I enjoy any time on a trail, whether it is a long, hard hike, or a leisurely stroll beneath the trees, or walking the beach at the Oregon coast. No matter the weather or the season, I find and feel both awe and peace in nature! Spiritual!!

⦁ Reading: I have learned to love reading again. I read both fiction and non-fiction, for entertainment, for escape, and for education. Reading has taken the place of electronics and social media as I wind down at the end of each day.

⦁ "Edutainment": - Podcasts and YouTube: I can find almost any topic of interest on the web that I can listen to when driving or engaged in other activities. Camera gear reviews, photography techniques, neuroscience, psychology, history, and sociology, streamed via podcasts or just listening to the audio playback of a YouTube video have essentially supplanted my listening to music, though not completely.

I do know from past experience that when I've gotten off track, letting most of my "healthy" habits slide, that I have become unmoored and began to enter a darker existence, a depression. A place where relapse is possible.

It has taken time and effort, a willingness to try new things, and dedication to make these behaviors a practice. But these behaviors or habits are not a checklist, where each must be done in a day or else failure and doom ensue. I know that circumstances and events may occur that demand my attention, presenting me with the choice of which habits can slip. I can accept that journaling or nature time or something else from above may slip for a time for good reason, and that's OK. Knowing I have the power to choose and accepting the consequences of my choice gives me power in my recovery.

Next week I will likely address one or some of these behaviors/habits that work for me, unless something more profound comes up for me that needs consideration.

Have a good week!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #photography #photographyproject # photoproject #recovery #sobriety #smartrecovery #zerodean

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 07 - "Attention to the Moment"

“The best way to capture moments is to pay attention. This is how we cultivate mindfulness. Mindfulness means being awake.” - Jon Kabat Zinn

Last week, my blog post returned to the purpose of this photography project. To refresh, for me, my intention and motivations for successfully and happily living a life of sobriety.

The week has been a good one, with no lapses nor desires to be altered. I have enjoyed time out in nature, hiking and capturing photos, reading, jigsaw puzzling, daily planning, and exercising. And by avoiding over-indulgence in social and news media. I've finally arranged for health care coverage, after being without for the last couple of years. I completed an at-home sleep apnea test to resolve poor sleep problems. I am staying the course and moving in a positive direction.

The thing I felt most successful at was my awareness of and appreciation of mindfulness: being present to the moment, particularly moments that could have left me harboring unresolved anxieties. Let me share an example of a morning of "irritations" I experienced that, in the past, could have spun me up. I was intending to drop off a load of items at Goodwill, make a quick grocery stop, and then proceed to my therapy appointment. Here are how events transpired and my response to each:

1. I loaded the donation items and checked the web for the nearest Goodwill location and operating hours. As I arrived at the donation center, 30 minutes after opening, I found the drive blocked with orange cones and the center was closed. Arghh! With a brief pause and a moments thought, I realized I can just do the drop elsewhere at another time, so I just moved on with grocery shopping. No worry, let it go!

2. I completed grocery my shopping, sticking to a list (a new commited habit) and proceeded to self checkout, something I am very familiar with and usually do. This time, I was at a screen that prompted me for quantity, I paused for a moment to pull my shoppers card from my wallet and then the attending checkout person stepped up and told me I need to enter the quantity and then press the "Done" key or I would not be able to scan the rest of my items, in what I felt was a very condescending tone. I felt myself tense and anger start to rise. But then I realized she is just doing her job, likely dealing with many people of different "abilities " being "stuck" in the checkout process. Nothing personal, let it go.

3. As I reached the top of the stairs in the parking garage with my two grocery bags to return to my car , a young man came around a blind corner, nearly colliding with me and causing my balance to falter. This could have resulted in a nasty fall. I was pissed because the young man was "buried" in his cell phone, not paying any attention to his surroundings, and proceeded down the stairs with his head still "buried". I paused, decided it was OK to be angry for a moment, then chose not to remain angry. Breathe, let it go!

4. I arrived at my counseling appointment and all of the visitor parking was filled. There were many "Members" reserved spots open but I knew Murphy's Law would bite me if I parked illegally. So, I chose to drive to a nearby park, paid the hourly fee, and enjoyed a block's walk in nature back to the office. (Good thing I like to be early for appointments!) I had a good session, sharing these events as successful "pause points", letting go!

I have other similar successes this week of being attentive to situations and my reactions, recognizing the power I have to choose "healthy" responses, to defuse those little "anxiety" bombs, and to prevent a buildup of unresolved or unreleased stresses that are a part of everyday life. I know that letting such stress and anxiety build is a very dangerous behavior for me regarding my sobriety, in the past leading to lapses.

I'm really getting to like this mindfulness thing!!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #photography #photographyproject # photoproject #recovery #sobriety #smartrecovery