“Don't let the bearers of bad news become the pallbearers of your happiness.”
— Stewart Stafford
Day 234 AF.
My initial thoughts for this week's post were about being caught up in ruminations about the past and worries about the future, both stoking strong feelings of shame, regret, or fear, "reasons" to seek escape from "imagined" monsters. But I'll leave this topic for another time.
Last night, I experienced the beginnings of a rise to anger that reminded me of times in the past when I have chosen to use alcohol .... and I've never just used it, I've abused it! I had seen a few news headlines on a topic that irked me. Instead of walking away, I found a current podcast on the issue by hosts I used to enjoy as humorous. Within the first 15 minutes of listening, I realized that I was becoming angry. I quickly turned it off, enjoyed silence and mindfulness for a while, and then chose to read for pleasure to close out the evening. No, I wasn't close to failure, I was self-aware!
I will attribute some of my success in this recovery effort to recognizing the dangers of overindulgence in social media and news media consumption, particularly those that purposefully stoke fear and division. I became a news "junkie" after the September 11th tragedy, finding talk radio programs and cable news channels occupying much of my time, shaping my beliefs and biases. Over the years, with the growth of social media, I also found myself engaged in swimming the toxic social media sludge streams, posting my "truths" and ridiculing others' "opinions". I was an angry man, and too often drinking ... the anger fueling the drink and the drink fueling the anger.
(In point of fact, I created a Twitter account in 2007 and began sharing links and making snarky comments about news and culture. By 2013, I had posted over 17,000 tweets and had over 2,000 followers. My drinking had become such a problem in my life, impacting my family and marriage that I realized I had to cut my immersion in "hate" if I hoped to become sober. I deleted my Twitter account and have avoided it since. Drunken tweets are never good!)
Last year, during my final bouts of lapsing, I recall spending more time listening to podcasts and YouTube channels about current events and cultural divisions, being on edge frequently. Combine this with other factors, and each relapse turned into a hard fall, a binge. Each time, regretting my actions, apologizing to others, and telling myself "No more". Not enough to hold firm, until my last relapse.
Since that time I have throttled my indulgence in news media, limiting my daily exposure to reviewing online headlines, paying attention to those of real importance, and separating the "true" from "opinion" news sources. In my social media streams, I have primarily focused on posting my photography and sharing this photography project, as well as sharing food images and occasional humor. (I do admit to sharing links and opinions for local issues, but I try not to be snarky.)
My success here was knowing my history and recognizing my feelings at the moment, responding to old triggers in a healthy way. My continued success in recovery demands some level of vigilance against the effects of media manipulation, especially as we experience a new and tiresome presidential political cycle and the daily doses of continuous cultural quakes.
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
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