"It is great to be introspective, self-analysis can be useful, but only if it results in action."
- Joe Sacco
Day 164 AF.
I'm feeling solid in my sobriety, but with deeper analysis and awareness, doing the self-inventory work I wrote about last week, I've been feeling selfish in my self-care toward sobriety, at my nearsighted recovery effort. I'm very focused and successful in my efforts to be abstinent from alcohol. I'm absolutely appreciating the benefits of my alcohol-free lifestyle, enjoying the clarity of mind, the improvements in physical health and capabilities, and the self-confidence and integrity returning to my life. I am in control of my addiction to alcohol.
Though my recovery skills and mindset are working well for sobriety, I still sense that my "addictive" mindset and behaviors continue to exist in other areas of my life. For example:
⦁ Food and diet: I generally eat healthy foods, but still allow myself too many poor choices and too large of portions, thoughtlessly ignoring the ramifications, even when I know better.
⦁ Escapism and/or distraction: Reading for pleasure, binging on TV programs, podcasts, and YouTube videos, or filling time with non-priority tasks.
⦁ Shopping: Even though I don't buy many items, the "online hunt" is exciting while searching, reading product reviews, and imagining the benefits a new "item" would bring.
Of course, as in my past, being inebriated would only make these areas of excess more problematic and difficult to manage. My practice of mindfulness is strong enough to employ more broadly in my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
An even more important area in my recovery is my relation to others and my availability and presence to give support to others in need. I realize I am being mostly focused on just "me" in recovery while I have family members and very close friends, all loved ones, dealing with very serious health issues. I am offering support, feeling compassion and empathy, but honestly not to the extent I could. As well, I am engaged in a number of online FB groups for recovery and see so many people struggling with relapse and "painful" recovery. When I compare my journey, and my focus on my recovery, I realize my "problems" are small compared to the dire circumstances, the pain, and the fear being experienced by others.
I know that comparing my struggle with the struggles of others is relative, but deep down I worry that by taking my eye off of my "recovery" ball to be fully available to support others I could return to a risk of relapse. This has me feeling selfish, but I know, and so many others will agree, that if I don't take care of myself and stay sober that I won't be available to take care of others as needed.
When I began this Recovery52 photography project, I stated my intention was to keep each weekly post short and focused on one topic. This post was a bit broader, but I feel the areas addressed need attention as I move forward. I can work on multiple fronts. I will continue to keep alcohol out of my life and to expand my field of view to give effort to my other "lifestyle" addictions and to my availability and support to others in need ... to be of service with action.
I got this!
Staying strong.
Thanks for reading!
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