The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new. – Socrates
Day 101. Another week moving forward in alcohol abstinence, another week appreciating my sobriety.
In last week's post, I suggested tackling a fear for the next topic. But again, I found another topic coming to the forefront. Boredom! (*see definitions below)
Certain events this week raised memories of my past where I used alcohol, distraction, and procrastination to dull the unhappiness of boredom. The events "triggered" actual negative emotions and physical sensations that I felt in the past when doing things I did not want to do, meeting expectations with silence and a smile, surrendering to the desire for escape, for numbness. After some contemplation I brought this thought train full circle back to a real and current fear - the fear of relapse.
I admit to a number of lapses in the past where boredom, and likely other factors in combination led me to choose the solace of substance use. Given my current success at my ongoing recovery, I worry that my confidence combined with old "triggers" rising that I might succumb to that little voice saying, "maybe just one" or "it'll be OK this time, because you can handle it". I have failed this test more times than I want to admit. And relapse is not an option during my current recovery journey!
Boredom happens. Whether it was a lack of imagination or incentive to find something engaging to do during my empty time, or it was imposed by extrinsic expectations with tedious and never-ending activities that I didn't want to do, I chose to numb myself to the boredom. Now I am reframing my idea of boredom, taking responsibility for my response to boredom, eliminating periods of idleness with activities I enjoy, or changing my perspective to a positive view of tasks I must do (e.g., filing taxes, laundry, waiting at the DMV).
For me, this week's success was in recognizing those old feelings related to boredom and choosing to respond differently, actually sharing my remembered feelings with others rather than stuff the feelings down. Self-awareness, mindfulness and recognizing "pause points" are skills that I have been developing in this recovery cycle. Call these skills, tools or habits, these are working for me, not just for boredom but for other issues that have been problematic in my past substance abuse. Recovery feels much more solid this time!
Next time I may attempt to tackle another specific fear that I have, but as always, I will address the most resonant recovery issue for me in the week.
Have a good week!
* Bored
adjective
feeling unhappy because something is not interesting or because you have nothing to do.
* Boredom
noun [ U ]
the state of being bored.
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