“Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation.”
- John Ortberg
Day 150 AF. ☺️
In a previous project post (#07), I had described my sense of pride in successfully noticing problematic events in a day and mindfully defusing each as it occurred so as not to let a build-up of frustrations lead to the kind of moodiness and discomfort that would send me in search of escape.
This week returns to that theme of mindfulness and self-awareness. I am practicing the habit of paying attention to my feelings during the day and maintaining a rational perspective. This week I felt myself entering a "low mood" state, which lasted for a couple of days. I realized that taking the time to consider why I was feeling "blah" would be wise.
Through conversations with friends and family, sharing my individual frustrations, and then sitting in a quiet space with attention to my moody feelings and thoughts, I realized that a mix of events/triggers were at work here:
A close friend of mine is dealing with the concerns and demands of a cancer diagnosis.
A recent knee injury has restricted my activities and connection with others.
I have trouble with sleep and tiredness, due to knee pain and general worries.
I recognize that I have been immersed too often in negative messaging on social media.
In researching quotations about recovery for my weekly blog posts, I see the same or similar quotes that seem cliche, banal, or derivative. I am getting bored with these, to the point of becoming cynical.
I won't list my solutions to each of the above, but the effort of identifying the individual problems dispels the dark cloud of angst and makes each one more manageable.
In my past, I would have let these unexamined thoughts and feelings "simmer", adding additional irritations as “ingredients” to the pot, allowing my "recipe for relapse" to reach its boiling point, and finally "dousing the stove fire" temporarily with drink, with a mess to clean up afterward. No, not now. I am grateful for my strengthening practice of mindfulness, addressing things as they arise or when I notice a sense of unease deserving attention.
Let me emphasize some points that are key for me in my recovery effort:
Any time I think of drinking alcohol again, I briefly and clearly recall the pain of relapse and withdrawal to myself and all the people in my life.
Vocalizing and sharing with others: family, friends, my therapist, SM connections, and also being receptive to feedback.
Journaling helps me to stay with a train of thought and provides a record to remember and continue problem-solving.
-Quiet contemplation is key: No background noise or other distracting elements. No TV or music, not surrounded by "must dos" or the attention demanded by others. Best a walk or sit in nature or some neutral ground, fully engaged with myself and my thoughts.
Being mindful of my thoughts and feelings gives me the Viktor Frankl "space" between blind reaction and thoughtful response. I am grateful for the power that the practice of mindfulness brings to my recovery and my life!
Staying strong.
Thanks for reading!
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