Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 52 of 52 - "A Finish Line"

"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." — Aristotle

Day 382 AF.

This post is the final one for my 52-week photography project, allowing me to share reflections and thoughts on my journey in recovery from alcohol misuse. I had intended to focus on my feelings of pride in hitting this goal and describe my shift to another photography project centered on more than just recovery. Important points, which I will address at the end, but my planned outro was derailed by events outside of my control and deserved attention.

A projected winter storm rolled into the area this past Saturday morning, with me shrugging off the news and thinking a couple of "snow days" could be fun, allowing me to hunker down with nothing to do and an excuse for doing nothing. It came as expected in the morning, and by 11:49 AM my power had gone out. Pulling out my flashlight and headlamps and putting on some extra clothing layers as the heat began dropping, I enjoyed the early childlike excitement of the power being out.

Without giving a detailed account of this experience, the outage exceeded my assumption of just a few hours to nearly five full days without light and heat. In the first couple of days, I got by with my sense of humor, making coffee and meals on my Coleman camp stove, wearing winter layers, and doubling the blankets on my bed. I had a battery brick to keep my phone charged, giving me the ability to engage in social media and check the status of my power outage.

By day three of this existence, I was beginning to tire of being "snowed in". Fortunately, I was able to get to my local gym for a shower and charge my devices. The cold and dark at my apartment began to wear on me, affecting my mood. My sleep schedule was disrupted, my sleep quality was poor, and I could not run my CPAP machine. I woke early in the morning of day four, recognizing depression was settling in. Not just a sadness, but the kind of chronic low feeling that would have me disconnecting from the world and seeking escape. I knew I had to get out of this.

On this fourth morning, I was able to sit with a hot coffee at a coffee bar inside my local grocery store, watching patrons line up at the check stands with essential items ... and lots of beer and wine being carried out the door. I did hear that old voice, weak but still there, telling me I could drink if I wanted to. Not this time, old friend! I began to recall a winter storm and power outage in February of 2021, where I would bundle up and go for walks around the ice-bound neighborhoods, glad that grocery stores were still open and within walking distance. Feeling isolated and thinking, "No one will know", I brought home a boxed wine from each of my walks that season, getting numb. Yeah, I didn't want to feel. It's a wonder I didn't freeze in my drunken sleep.

I only had to recall the final missteps that led me to start this recovery, the harm and pain caused to myself and others. I also thought about my success so far in this recovery effort and now the completion of this creative project. Engaging both a negative motivation and a positive motivation to keep moving forward, I came home and endured another day and night in the dark and cold, but warmed by my pride and strength at choosing and maintaining sobriety.

With less than two hours remaining before a full five days of no electricity, the power was restored. I felt gratitude for the tireless and skilled people working in the miserable cold to restore power. I also felt sadness and compassion for the tragedies that killed and harmed others during this storm and for those less fortunate than me. A thoughtful sigh of relief, and then began the tasks of cleaning dishes, laundry, and bedding, and sorting through the food in the freezer and refrigerator for salvageable items. Also, power returned in time for me to make the weekly Thursday deadline for this blog posting.

I intend to shift my photographic efforts to a new 52-week project focused on creativity and seeing creatively because I want to engage more broadly with the creative community. I want more than just the identity of being in recovery, I want to achieve and enjoy life with goals and efforts, to connect with communities of people of varied interests and activities beyond just recovery. But I will continue to engage with my friends and groups in recovery. I will keep this Recovery52 blog alive and post whenever I find reasons that may resonate with myself and my friends in recovery. I will remain humble and must always be aware of that old voice that may come calling.

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to everyone on the journey.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to have been of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 51 of 52 - "Intent"

"Always Stay Humble And Kind."

- Tim McGraw (2016) * link to music video below

Day 375 AF.

In the Fall of 2022, I had a series of relapses with alcohol. In mid-December that year, a close friend shared some of her thoughts with me. She said that I have no plan, that I have no goals. She asked what I wanted in life. I had no answer, no rebuttal, and could make no excuses. Thinking on this, I found myself in a low state, but not ready or willing to dig deep for understanding and resolution.

I chose to stumble again just before the end of the year, a hard lapse, a blackout binge. On January 1st of 2023, I woke feeling miserable, all the symptoms of a painful hangover in effect, feeling depressed and ashamed. This last lapse did not help answer the question of what do I want. I recall thinking long and hard as I sobered up, that my life, if I continued the pattern of drinking and alcohol abuse, failing myself and others, having no purpose or meaning, was not a life worth living.

So, the question that came to mind on the first day of this recovery journey was, "What do I not want in life?" The answer was, "Not who I've been and who I'll be if I don't change." Thoughts about the self-harm from my drinking, the harm to my relationships, and all the lost time and energy without any fulfillment, without purpose, had to end!

I have had periods of sobriety in my past, even longer than a year, but it was mainly because I was abstinent, not in recovery. Taking the alcohol away brought some level of improvement in my personal life and relationships, but I had not given the effort to engage in improved self-awareness and change for the better. Nor had I thought it necessary to examine and reconcile with my past adverse experiences. I was still the same old me, just without the alcohol.

In earlier Recovery52 posts, I have described my development of healthy habits and routines, incorporating mindfulness, and maintaining my motivation to not just remain sober but to recover fully from substance abuse. No longer desiring the "numbing" when feeling fear and the desire to escape, but instead facing fear with clarity and honesty, and no longer wanting a drug like alcohol for the false "comfort" that calms anxiety. I have moved beyond cravings and urges in early recovery. I have made changes in thinking and behaving that give me confidence in my recovery and both pride and excitement about my journey forward.

I want to point out four key points that have been different about this recovery effort:

1. The questions asked at the beginning of this post were an invaluable spur for me. The same good friend restated them for me recently last week: "Who do I want to be, what do I want to become?" My answer, for now, goes back to the opening quote, to be humble and kind as I grow forward.

2. I have been open and serious with others about my commitment to recovery this time. In the past, I have committed to sobriety in silence, thinking I was only hurting myself if I failed. Making the promise public helps me be accountable and more aware of the value of my relationships.

3. I found and worked honestly and openly with a therapist for several months this time.

4. This photography project has motivated me to ponder and post about my recovery each week, giving me a sense of accountability to follow through as a commitment to myself and others. I have benefited from learning through readings and podcasts about recovery and from clear improvement in my writing and photography efforts.

I'm not "recovered". I still find myself slipping into the protective habit of negative thinking. I occasionally find procrastination and distraction creeping in when I don't want to do the adult "stuff" of living. I know for certain that a lack of trust in myself and a lack of trust in others negatively affects my relationships. I recognize that I still have work to do in these areas, and true growth to achieve but this time I know I can stay the course, staying humble and kind!

(Next week will be the final (52nd) post for this project. I do intend to post occasionally moving forward if I feel the need, but I am working on another photography project idea that is not centered on recovery.)

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

* "Humble and Kind" is a song written by Lori McKenna and first released by American country music singer Tim McGraw on January 20, 2016, as the second single from his fourteenth studio album, Damn Country Music.

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 50 of 52 - "One Year"

"Recovery is not simple abstinence. It’s about healing the brain, remembering how to feel, learning how to make good decisions, becoming the kind of person who can engage in healthy relationships, cultivating the willingness to accept help from others, daring to be honest, and opening up to doing." - Debra Jay

Day 368 AF.

It is now just over one year in my current recovery effort. New Year's Day, 2023, just passed, and I was clear-headed throughout the holidays with no hangovers, no memory loss, and no shame; the negative consequences that usually followed my previous plunges into alcohol. I proudly moved through the holiday season without any urges to repeat past mistakes, recognizing old triggers, thoughts, and feelings that I used to permit myself to drink. Crowded spaces and traffic, conspicuous shopping and consumption, the danger of media and ideologies striving to polarize us along group identity lines; all of these swirling around me, but I remained grounded, centered in sobriety.

Another difference this year was being engaged with loved ones and friends. I enjoyed good times with a great friend on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. I spent Christmas Day and New Year's Day alone but not at all lonely. I have learned to enjoy my solitude, being engaged in creative activities, healthy behaviors, and mindful awareness. Honestly, I had no urges or cravings for alcohol; neither for escape nor celebration.

As an aside, and to keep fact-checkers and math nerds at bay, my day 365 happened on January 1st. This 52-week recovery and photo project still has a couple more posts to complete a year of posting. The reason is that I was getting through withdrawal symptoms in the first week of the year, finally resolving to end my repeated and long-term usage problem once and for all, but not yet certain of how. It took another week for this photography project to seed itself, while at the same time, I was seeking help through professional counseling. So, my first post to announce this project was on January, 20th. I will not fail that milestone, either.

I have had periods of abstinence longer than a year in my history of alcohol misuse. But I focused on just not drinking, making some adjustments in my thinking and behaviors, but not taking a deep dive into self-awareness to understand the roots and reasons for my substance abuse. Not doing the real work of recovery, just being abstinent without real change in myself left me at the doors of relapse more than once.

This time is different. The accountability to complete weekly posts for this blog has been a significant motivator for the past year. I have 49 weeks of blog posts before this recovery anniversary, revealing my history, self-discoveries, and thoughts. The learning I have gained from analyzing and putting my thoughts to the page has made me a stronger thinker and writer. The creativity I have enjoyed through photography and sharing beautiful images each week has fueled my excitement for the project. I have learned to discover and implement healthy habits and routines that support my sobriety; things like mindfulness, journaling, and exercise. Along with this self-analysis and growth, I have benefited from the support of a good therapist and I have been much more open and honest with loved ones and concerned friends about this issue. Also, I know that listening to or reading about recovery is a wise choice if I sense complacency settling in.

I must admit that I find benefit in holding onto negative motivation for my recovery. I do occasionally "play the tape", asking myself if I ever want to go back to my old drinking days; slowly killing myself, hurting my relationships, destroying trust in myself and others, and living a life without meaning. Even remembering the physical pain of hangovers and withdrawals is valuable to help me move forward with a positive outlook.

I am committed to my recovery and I am proud of this photography project. In the final two weeks, I will address some final thoughts about my recovery and also discuss the plans I have for my recovery and my creative efforts through photography and other media.

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 49 of 52 - "Trinkets, Tokens, & Talismans"

"Your mind is your invisible talisman. The letters PMA (positive mental attitude) are emblazoned on one side, and NMA (negative mental attitude) on the other. These are powerful forces."

- W. Clement Stone

Day 361 AF

It is nearly a year of complete abstinence from alcohol for me, not just being sober, but moving forward and growing in true recovery. Christmas of 2023 is now past and I can proudly say I passed through the holiday season with clear eyes and a clean spirit. Urges to use never arose. Instead, I recognized the people, places, and things that would have been cause for escape or celebration in the past, and I knew with confidence that I was in control of my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. So, yeah ... yay for me!

The topic for this week is about growing a physical collection of reminders to spur my journey forward. Early this year, I started counseling sessions with a very good therapist. At one early appointment, I shared with him my idea of using an object I had found from my past that could serve as a reminder and motivator for my recovery. The idea came after I discovered in a box an object I had whittled many years ago with my first pocketknife and a simple piece of wood. This simple token was a spur for thoughts about my creative abilities from my youth, and the negative impact that substance use and addiction have had on these abilities. With encouragement from my therapist, I kept this object on my desk or tabletop, typically in sight when I journaled or practiced mindfulness.

Over time, I have found other objects that have ignited thoughts about my recovery, positive thoughts to motivate me forward, and reminders that I don't ever want to fall back into old negative behaviors. I will list those items here and a brief description of the meaning that each has for me.

1. Wood Carving: A symbol of my creative spirit from early in life, something I think we all possess and if lost we can reconnect with.

2. A*Hole Gum: I obtained this in an earlier recovery attempt, as kind of a joke, but now I accept the the truth behind the humor.

3. Toy Camera: A symbol of my current creative passion; to see, capture, and share the beauty I find in the world

4. Dice: The randomness of life; things happen, some that we can control and some that we can't. It's our reaction to events that matter.

5. Coin: A symbol of choice. We have the power to choose our directions and actions. Even not making a choice is a choice.

6. Chain Link: The broken, rusty chain link reminds me of the chains that past trauma and substance use have wrapped me in. For too long, I have let this bondage hold me back from living fully.

7. Rubber Band: A symbol of flexibility; being open to new possibilities, and not letting rigid patterns of thinking and feeling limit my growth.

8. Lens Cleaner: A symbol of clarity; seeing the world without the filters or blinders of my limiting beliefs.

9. Sucker: Yeah, candy! It's perfectly fine to have a reward, a sweet treat from time to time. Maybe not always the healthiest choice, but never again the poison of alcohol.

The symbolic items in the image are laid out for distinct viewing in this blog post. Normally, they are in a small container at the edge of my desk or table. When journaling or sitting in thought, I will sometimes glance at the collection and often find an old memory spurred or a new idea birthed by one or more of these objects. There is no religiosity or ceremony associated with these. They are just things. But for me, they are powerful reminders of my sobriety and recovery.

Next week, I will be passing safely through New Year's and over a year of real recovery. I am confident and I look forward to posting next week.

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 48 of 52 - "Praise & Apologies"

“Apologies aren't meant to change the past, they are meant to change the future.”

— Kevin Hancock, Not For Sale: Finding Center in the Land of Crazy Horse

Day 353 AF.

In the early days of this photography project and this effort to succeed in recovery, I was discussing some of my early emotional and physical traumas with a close friend, as partly revealed in prior posts, relating them to my issues with alcohol use and other forms of numbing, including procrastination and dissociation. I told him the vow I had made to myself even as a child, that I would never hit a woman or harm a child. He made a statement that struck me as a point of pride.

"You broke the cycle, you didn't repeat the pattern."

Yeah, I will enjoy satisfaction and self-praise for keeping that vow.

But, I know that my adverse childhood experiences and this commitment to not harm others caused the pendulum to swing too far to the other side. By trying to protect the feelings of others I was not being honest when necessary. By avoiding the stress of uncomfortable emotions within myself, by stuffing my feelings and not being emotionally present, I was harming the people in my life, and my relationships with them.

My emotional immaturity, my repeated choice to run and hide from hard and honest feelings, has impacted my ability to be a fully present and capable father, lover, and friend. My worldview has been negative and cynical and has put off those close to me and shut the door on many opportunities and from even seeing possibilities.

So, here I am, thinking it is time for real apologies to anyone and everyone I have ever made to suffer because of my behaviors. I apologize for missed commitments, rash and poor decisions, and not showing up when needed. I am sorry for not being successful at sobriety in the past, and for not doing the deep and honest work of self-awareness and commitment to change for the better. My apologies are offered here to anyone affected by my addiction. (For those doing recovery through Alcoholics Anonymous, this is similar to Step Five.)

But those closest and most affected in my life deserve a more sincere in-person apology. My next focus will be to approach the people I care about and who care about me and offer that honest and heartfelt apology. No, these apologies won't change the past, but I can hope for a better future. I don't expect forgiveness from others, but I am learning to forgive myself.

I started this post by recognizing and accepting praise for breaking generational abuse. I am ending this post with more self-praise, with praise for moving forward in recovery, breaking the cycle, and not repeating the patterns of lapse and relapse. In less than two weeks I will have a year of not only sobriety but real and life-changing recovery. I vow to continue with my recovery!

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 47 of 52 - "Fear and Trust"

December 14, 2023

Day 346 AF.

"You are afraid of letting anyone get close." - My sister

Shit. She's right!

In prior posts, I have searched the internet for quotes from famous people, that resonated with each week's chosen topic. This week, while having a phone conversation with my sister, and hearing her say this, I immediately knew and felt this truth is the issue for me to work on with much more seriousness than I have up to this point in my recovery effort. I have been speaking of fears and beliefs in prior posts, acknowledging my limited ways of being and feeling, my inability to be fully open to and accepting of others, my negative ways of thinking and behavior, and my periods of substance abuse.

I am looking at two general fear categories that underlay my "wall" of self-protection, my ways of avoiding both physical and emotional harm, whether real or imagined and my source of anxieties and worries.

1. If I allow others to get close, they may hurt me, therefore others can't be trusted.

2. If I get close to others, I may hurt them, therefore I can't be trusted.

The first fear makes sense considering the traumatic events from early life that I described in recent posts. Such early life "learnings" and my tendency to negativity bias toward bad news and bad actors in the world have fortified my distrust of others. (I will not recount any more troubling memories, as I think I have revealed enough examples in these posts to demonstrate what I am working with.)

The second fear makes sense, in that I can recall too many times when I was dishonest or disappointed others in my life by not being fully present and available in relationships. . I can recall too many times filtering my thoughts to not hurt another's feelings, fearful of being abandoned, or possibly invoking another's anger toward me, tying back to fear #1.

Even now, I worry that my recovery could stumble, and I have convinced myself I will not lapse again. But having failed in sobriety before, I don't yet trust this promise, even to myself.

This is week 47 of my 52-week recovery project. I am in the final stretch, 90% of the way toward my goal. To put this in terms of a quarter-mile race, a length of 1,320 feet, I have only about 130 feet left to run, to complete this event. I will cross the finish line. I will win this race. I will keep this promise. But then, I will turn this sobriety sprint into a recovery relay, one step in front of the other, sure-footed and steadfast, always moving forward.

I am currently engaged in learning more about recovery, psychology, cognitive behavioral therapy, critical thinking, attachment theory, neuroscience, Stoicism, and Buddhism. I have printed books, audiobooks, podcasts, YouTube channels, and websites on these subjects that I consume. I have read the deluxe edition of the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am making progress in understanding these subjects and mapping my experience and understanding to frames that make sense to me. I seek "a-ha" moments in these learnings that support my recovery. It is work, it is eye-opening and it also can be exhausting without a break. So, I am ending here and getting out for a nature walk with my camera. To let myself feel some quiet, and to refresh my mind for continuing the journey.

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 46 of 52 - "Seeking Truth"

"All too often we're filled with negative and limiting beliefs. We're filled with doubt. We're filled with guilt or with a sense of unworthiness. We have a lot of assumptions about the way the world is that are actually wrong." - Jack Canfield

Day 339 AF.

In last week's post, I left intending to be mindful of when I feel negative and limiting beliefs coming to my defense and to pause for reflection, identify the source, look for the underlying core beliefs, and question both the truth and health of my beliefs.

On Saturday, I went for a walk at a local nature park, the afternoon sky dark with threatening rain clouds, hoping to capture some photographs of the beauty I see in the external world and also to devote some thoughts to my limiting beliefs. I was successful at the photography aspect of this stroll but soon found my internal state darkening like the sky with thoughts and surfacing memories of impactful events that have shaded my perceptions and behaviors throughout my life.

In a prior post, I had listed out early childhood experiences that I consider traumatic and significant factors in my turn to substance use and choices to flee rather than fight fears triggered by difficult events or confrontational persons. Here are some more formative events that I know reinforced my black-and-white thinking for the whole of my life.

• As a boy, having experienced temporary partial blindness and debilitating headaches, I rode the bus with my mom from our rural town to the city, for a diagnostic procedure at the hospital. I recall being in the restroom at the downtown bus station, doing my business at the urinal, when an old, grizzled man came up behind me, mumbling, and tried to push his hands down the front of my waistband. I froze, pushing him away. As another person was entering the restroom, he turned and left. I did not tell my mom or anyone else. I felt shame as though it was my fault and I felt guilt for saying nothing, leaving the molester to possibly offend again.

• In my sophomore year of high school, our English class read Truman Capote's "In Cold Blood" and then watched the movie at the end of the assignment. In this same class, we were tasked with writing a journalistic piece about a local news story. I chose to research and write about a recent crime of two teenage girls left naked and shot to death on a forest road in a nearby town. The unresolved anger from immersion in these horrific stories helped nail my desire for swift and sure punishment for "bad” people.  I believe this educational experience led me to a firm belief in retribution for the most cruel and predatory humans in our society.

• September 11th, 2001, was a gut punch for me. I was made aware of the evils of fundamental radicalism. Up until this point I had paid little attention to politics and world events, letting family affairs and comfortable living hold my focus. BAM! The kind of thinking and beliefs that would lead anyone to commit such barbaric acts was incomprehensible to me. I wanted revenge. I was angry. I then became hyper-vigilant about news and politics, listening to radio and television, finding my worldview shifting to the right. I joined the hordes of social media and news junkies, seeking confirmation for my beliefs and bashing others that did not agree. This went on for years and was both enraging and exhausting, for myself and the people in my life. And I drank, a lot.

Enough of the sharing of problematic events and memories that shaped my life and to which I can attribute my desires to "unfeel", to find solace in a substance. Though I cannot change anything in my past, I can learn from it and follow a better path.

The coloring of my views and beliefs are deep set. Merely recognizing the source events and memories of my automatic and limiting beliefs does not change these beliefs. More thought is needed to question and alter the beliefs that hold me back from honest and realistic thinking and living. With this in mind, I am beginning to study critical thinking as a way to better understand my beliefs and resolve biases that darken my view of the world, others, and myself.

I will leave this post with the link to an audiobook I am listening to and I expect to identify some other helpful resources on the topic.

Critical Thinking: What You Should Have Been Taught About Decision-Making, Problem-Solving, Cognitive Biases, Logical Fallacies, and Winning Arguments - Jerrel Forman

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 45 of 52 - "Questioning My Beliefs"

‘One of the hardest expressions of self-assertiveness is challenging your limiting beliefs. ‘ - Nathaniel Branden

Day 332 AF.

Last week I shared brief descriptions of early adverse childhood experiences that were key in shaping my core beliefs and fears. Without adding more specific incidents from my early years, I've been thinking about these and other incidents and the impacts they have had on my growth and development, my behaviors, and my relationships throughout my life.

I know that my maltreatments early in life instilled fearful beliefs that led me to avoid potential harm in situations demanding self-defense. Believing I am not strong, and that others will hurt me, putting me into freeze or flee modes of response to threats.

I do believe that my insecurities and anxieties from mistreatment early in life have guided me to choose "safe" paths, missing opportunities that I imagined held "unsafe" risks, or that would reveal my weakness and fears to others, bringing shame. Looking back, I can recall being bullied in school, enough to hide in the library at lunchtime. I know that my fearful demeanor made me an easy target for bullying and that the repeated bullying could only bolster my negative beliefs and fears.

For too many years, I have resisted offers of support and help from others. I have rejected opportunities for new experiences, opportunities for growth and change, and opportunities that came with imagined "risks", all undermined by my "limiting beliefs".

My relationships have suffered because of my desire to protect myself, and also to protect others. Too often I have withheld honest opinions or have not expressed my needs, even with my closest family and friends. Sometimes I felt fear when others seemed angry, I automatically assumed I was the target, and that anything wrong was because I was wrong. I also know for certain, that my witness of spousal and child abuse, ingrained the belief that I would never cause pain to a woman or child. I can recall too many times when I have lied to others to spare their feelings. Lies that only delayed the truth, but could not deny it.

As to how this relates to my recovery from substance abuse ... duh! I was choosing to run from fear and pain and shame, to soothe, to numb, to make it all go away. I have been making real strides in my self-awareness, changes to my behaviors and beliefs, and becoming confident in my recovery. But there is still much work to be done, work that can only be done if I remain sober.

My intent, for now, is to be mindful of when I feel the negative and limiting beliefs come to my defense and to pause for reflection, identify the source, look for the underlying core beliefs, and question both the truth and health of my beliefs. Perhaps I can change these for the better, without becoming a risk seeker.

(* I have included some links to good web sources about negative beliefs, limiting beliefs, and core beliefs at the end of this post. There are many sources of information on the topic of these beliefs that can be found if one looks.*)

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Key points - (From Psychology Today)

• Everyone experiences limiting beliefs about themselves, their lives, and their potential.

• People often accept self-limiting beliefs as reality and don't question them.

• However, it's possible to identify and change self-limiting beliefs.

What Makes Us Think Such Negative Things About Ourselves?

Blog: Loosening the Grip of Core and Limiting Beliefs

What Is the Negativity Bias?

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 44 of 52 - "Happy Thanksgiving!"

"Fear is a question. What are you afraid of and why? Our fears are a treasure house of self-knowledge if we explore them." - Marilyn French

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." ­- John F. Kennedy

Day 325 AF.

This post opens with two quotes that resonate with me this week. I left last week's post committing to working on understanding deep-seated fears laid down in early childhood. That is still my intent, but I also think it's important to recognize the holidays with an expression of gratitude. I've grown up with the American tradition of the Thanksgiving celebration and as a practice, we have always asked those gathered for the day to say what we are thankful for.

So, with the first quote in mind, let me address the issue of fears instilled in me from traumatic experiences in early childhood, also known as the more sanitized "Adverse Childhood Experiences". I won't give a complete list of experiences I can remember or those experiences related to me from other family members that occurred before I could even form memories. I also don't want to dwell on these traumas in detail as I worry these may trigger unwanted memories of others in recovery who may be reading this. I will share just a few now, with more attention to other experiences as needed for my healing in future posts.

• My biological father abandoned the family before I was a year old, and was known to have been diagnosed with depression.

• My first step-father beat and burned me. I don't recall the abuse but was shown photos later. I know that this set my fear center, my amygdala, to "High" on the self-preservation dial.

• My second stepfather did some horrible things to the family that I won't detail here. But later on, I learned that he had joined and destroyed another family and was convicted of murdering a child.

• My third stepfather was a drunk and a wife-beater. I recall the screaming and suffering of my mom every time he came home drunk. I recall my brother, not much older than me, maybe seven years old, trying to intervene one night and being thrown against a wall, himself. The town cops, also his drinking buddies, would show up and haul him to the station to sober up, without legal penalty. He was a son-of-a bitch.

• The fourth man in my mom's life was emotionally unhealthy and lived with us but refused to divorce his legal wife as he enjoyed her financial comforts. Not a role model.

Damn, they were all sons of bitches!! (Geez, I think there was another one between 4 and 5, but I'll fill this in later.)

Just writing these lines begins to raise my anger. These experiences caused me to fear being hurt, fear feeling pain, to shut down, and not express myself for fear of retribution. These fears led me to choose safe or soothing behaviors, finding myself engaging in flight or freeze modes, never brave enough to fight in my own defense. Fantasy and science fiction, and imaginary play as a child allowed me an escape from reality as a youth. Adulthood and being of legal age let me discover a different way to escape, to numb, to hide from unresolved fears and anxieties. Welcome, alcohol, and other numbing substances to a lesser extent.

Enough for now, I am working on this aspect of my recovery, recognizing and resolving fears when triggered, and not holding resentment. Forgiveness is not something those mentioned above deserve. Forgiveness is something I can give myself for not healing much earlier in life. I blame no one for my maladaptive behaviors, poor decisions, or current state. I am not looking for sympathy and making excuses for my substance misuse. I own my future and intend to continue moving forward in a positive way.

Now, to close, I want to refer to the second quote above by President J.F. Kennedy. It is Thanksgiving and I want to express my gratitude for my recovery. 325 days successfully sober, healing and growing in ways I had never achieved in prior attempts at sobriety! I have had a very good therapist providing invaluable guidance on this journey. I have had the love and support from family and friends that I have learned to appreciate, finally being open to their concern, sincerity, and honesty. This has helped me to be more trusting of others. I am also learning to trust myself, feeling pride in my commitment to my recovery.

I still have work to do for my continued growth, and I am confident the skills and mindset that I now practice will allow me to move forward on the journey. I am grateful for all of the relationships and resources available to me. I am grateful for my health and satisfying lifestyle that many people do not enjoy. I am grateful for my life!

Next week, I'll return to resolving issues from the past that impact me still.

I wish all of you a good holiday season.

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 43 of 52 - "Pick Up The Shovel"

If one is estranged from oneself, then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Day 318 AF.

In preparation for writing this week's blog post, and with last week's stated intention of diving deeper into the reasons behind my substance abuse and maladaptive behaviors, I've reread all of my completed blog posts so far. I have committed to and successfully remained on the path of recovery. I'm proud of my sobriety and growth as a person and proud of the sustained effort on this photography project.

But the rereading of my posts makes it clear I'm staying safe, giving a "status report" each week, hinting that harder and deeper work remains, but too often skimming the surface, circling the drain, or kicking the can down the road. In a handful of posts, I have explicitly mentioned my fears and trust issues that need to be addressed, yet I end up forgetting or avoiding these, using the distraction of more immediate but mundane topics to fill the weekly time slot. A fear of confronting my fears? Phobophobia, perhaps??

Last week, I also completed a book about being a "creative" and in recovery. It described four main risk factors for addiction: Genetic, Developmental, Environmental, and having a Creative Nature. I tick the box for each of these, making sense of the foundations of my tendency toward substance abuse. I have rejected the idea of revisiting and reliving past traumas in order to move forward. I do believe that an awareness of formative events in my early years shaped my responses, and feelings and that my "maladaptive" behaviors put in place long ago, continue to constrain me to this day. Fear, shame, distrust of myself and others, and more negative emotions are all still at play. I am tired of this and the limits to my life and to my relationship with others. I want better, the people in my life deserve better.

But how to proceed?

I'm going to look at my formative past and my continuing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors within the framework of "Attachment Theory". Attachment theory focuses on relationships and bonds (particularly long-term) between people, including those between a parent and child and between romantic partners. It is a psychological explanation for the emotional bonds and relationships between people. This theory suggests that people are born with a need to forge bonds with caregivers as children. These early bonds may continue to have an influence on attachments throughout life.

Not being a credentialed mental health professional, merely a passionate layman, I find the concept of "Attachment Styles" resonates with me. (I won't attempt here to present the science. A simple online search will give many sources of learning on the subject.) Of the four main attachment styles, I would say I lean toward "Fearful Avoidant", which makes sense given the severity of early childhood trauma and lifelong "misguidance" from my fears, distrust, and mistrust of both myself and others.

Afraid to feel, afraid to trust, afraid to love. Ain't that just grand? I want to change this! I don't want to look for culprits in my past, lay the blame at the feet of other troubled people, or be trapped in victimhood, powerless to change. I have agency and autonomy. I have the love and support of others in my life if I would only accept it when offered. I think a great start in tearing down this wall of fear is to address significant fears and traumas in the ABC problem-solving format I've used in Smart Recovery, a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) tool for analyzing and modifying beliefs. I used this tool in Posts 38, 39, and 40 for working on real issues of concern to me.

I'll end this week without tackling a specific fear or past trauma. I wanted to lay the foundation and intent for upcoming posts. I'll leave here with a few of my problematic behaviors deserving treatment:

• - Why do I lie, even the little "white" ones? Why am I afraid of being completely honest?

• - Why do I automatically think "Why I can't" versus "Why can't I" when offered opportunities?

• - I am strongly triggered by violent crimes and acts by evil people, and I firmly believe some people are evil. Am I wrong for wanting retributive justice?

• - When confronted or challenged by others with strong emotions or physical threats I freeze or flee. Why and how do I change this?

Until next time.

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 42 of 52 - "Root Causes"

“Fear is the memory of pain. Addiction is the memory of pleasure. Freedom is beyond both.” ~ Deepak Chopra 

Day 311 AF.

Here I am at 42 weeks along my current journey in substance abuse recovery. 42 weeks of self-analysis and self-awareness, learning and practicing healthy skills and habits. I have made significant changes in how I react to external triggers and how I respond to internal thoughts and feelings, believing I have been successful in recovery to this point in time. Proudly and successfully, I have not chosen the false solace of alcohol this year! But I know more work lies ahead.

I have worked hard to be more open and honest with family, friends, and a trusted therapist. And also with myself. But I remain guarded, automatically responding in ways to protect myself and avoid harming others, choosing to avoid confrontation or difficult feelings with avoidance and distraction, fearing to be vulnerable. Such behavior can be harmful, limiting my potential for growth and from my engaging in authentic and trusted relationships, hurting others as well. 

I am currently reading a book on recovery, and found a chapter about the risk factors that may underlie addictive behaviors to be very relevant in examining my history. They follow below with brief summaries of my experience in each area.

• Genetic: Yes, there were drinkers on both sides of the family tree, as well as diagnosed mental illnesses.

• Developmental: Yes, my mom's multiple marriages, with the trauma inflicted by abusive husbands / step-fathers, left significant marks on my early youth. (ACE - Adverse Childhood Experiences, lots of them.)

• Environmental: Combining the impact of the genetic and developmental factors with no solid role models, I did not develop the skills and confidence to stand up for myself through early years and even with many situations in my adult life. 

• Creative Nature: My "fearful" nature from the above factors, a lack of self-confidence and self-worth, and memories of criticisms about artistic activities led me to hide my creative endeavors or abandon them without serious commitment. But here and now, I do believe my photography demonstrates that I can be proud of my creative nature.

Examining these risk factors will be a focus in upcoming posts. In some of my recent blog posts, I have presented problem-solving for current difficulties, based on my experience with the ABC exercise that I learned in SMART Recovery (see below). For future posts, I will be working with cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to see how these risk factors are at the root of my problematic thinking, behaviors, and reactions. Perhaps this deeper, more structured understanding will enable me to learn what and how to change for the better.

I can't change my past, but performing a more thorough analysis of my response to triggers and problems in life and identifying which of the above risk factors may be at play might enable me to come to terms with buried past traumas that continue to constrain me to this day. Finding the root causes to my perceived limited being is not intended to claim the status of victim, to find fault and place blame on past traumas, or to stoke anger for abusers. It must be done with care to allow me to forgive myself for developing maladaptive behaviors and to come to an understanding and acceptance that past "truth" responses are not true, that they are no longer valid or helpful. Perhaps a new daily mantra here will be useful. 

"I have the power of choice and I can choose better!"

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community, and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

Recovery52 - A Photo Project - Post 41 of 52 - "Not This Time"

"Learn from the past, prepare for the future, live in the present."

~ Thomas S. Monson

Day 304 AF.

Last week, I wrote about a change in my recovery journey with my therapist moving to another job and my continuing forward without that pillar of sobriety, feeling very confident.

This week I felt a rise in apprehension when reminded about the upcoming time change, with clocks being rolled back one hour, giving us more light in the mornings, but also bringing longer and darker evenings. I became curious about this apprehension and chose to try and understand it.

Thoughts of where I was last year at this time came to mind, having had a relapse and binge episode in early November of 2022. Continued reflection brought forth memories of a string of repeated stumbles, moving through the fall and the winter, ending with my last binge into the New Year of 2023. These were hard episodes, causing much suffering to myself and the people in my life. I would get up shakily, and move forward in abstinence for several days or even a few weeks, memory of the pain receding. But, again I would latch onto that thought, "I can handle it, this time." Or just choosing not to think at all, just wanting the overwhelm and the dark to recede, not wanting to feel or deal.

I think a detailed narrative of one of my serious relapse episodes can fill a future post as a reminder to myself and others of problem drinking, but I want to make a point here that relates to the opening quote above and proves to me my change in thinking and behaving in my recovery.

I sensed an apprehension about the future and chose to engage the feeling rather than let it settle onto a pile of nebulous fears. I recalled failures in the past that I choose not to repeat. I felt both pride and strength in my recovery efforts, knowledge, and skills. Being mindful, living in the present, and not being caught up in rumination and worry keep me grounded in recovery.

I want to make it clear that this is just a real example of processing the feeling of apprehension from a specific cause. I still have worries over past decisions, finances, relationships, uncertainty about my future, and certainty in my recovery. I am aware of the need to give attention to each of these areas. I also know the wisdom of giving myself permission to enjoy other activities that bring calm and focus during lonely periods, such as photography, reading for pleasure, jigsaw puzzles, and time in nature.

The coming change in season, with the wet, cold, and dark of winter will not dim the light of my recovery!

My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.

If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!

Staying mindful and strong!

instagram.com/bobd.photography

#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

* Inspired by REBT, SMART Recovery’s tool “THE ABCs of COPING WITH URGES” is a powerful way to deeply examine the beliefs we form after problems arise in our lives. We can’t always solve the problems themselves, but we can change what we believe and feel about them, and what we do (or don’t do) in response.

SMART Recovery

https://www.smartrecovery.org/

ABC Tool

https://www.smartrecovery.org/new-video-release-the-abcs-of-coping-with-urges/