"Recovery is not simple abstinence. It’s about healing the brain, remembering how to feel, learning how to make good decisions, becoming the kind of person who can engage in healthy relationships, cultivating the willingness to accept help from others, daring to be honest, and opening up to doing." - Debra Jay
Day 368 AF.
It is now just over one year in my current recovery effort. New Year's Day, 2023, just passed, and I was clear-headed throughout the holidays with no hangovers, no memory loss, and no shame; the negative consequences that usually followed my previous plunges into alcohol. I proudly moved through the holiday season without any urges to repeat past mistakes, recognizing old triggers, thoughts, and feelings that I used to permit myself to drink. Crowded spaces and traffic, conspicuous shopping and consumption, the danger of media and ideologies striving to polarize us along group identity lines; all of these swirling around me, but I remained grounded, centered in sobriety.
Another difference this year was being engaged with loved ones and friends. I enjoyed good times with a great friend on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. I spent Christmas Day and New Year's Day alone but not at all lonely. I have learned to enjoy my solitude, being engaged in creative activities, healthy behaviors, and mindful awareness. Honestly, I had no urges or cravings for alcohol; neither for escape nor celebration.
As an aside, and to keep fact-checkers and math nerds at bay, my day 365 happened on January 1st. This 52-week recovery and photo project still has a couple more posts to complete a year of posting. The reason is that I was getting through withdrawal symptoms in the first week of the year, finally resolving to end my repeated and long-term usage problem once and for all, but not yet certain of how. It took another week for this photography project to seed itself, while at the same time, I was seeking help through professional counseling. So, my first post to announce this project was on January, 20th. I will not fail that milestone, either.
I have had periods of abstinence longer than a year in my history of alcohol misuse. But I focused on just not drinking, making some adjustments in my thinking and behaviors, but not taking a deep dive into self-awareness to understand the roots and reasons for my substance abuse. Not doing the real work of recovery, just being abstinent without real change in myself left me at the doors of relapse more than once.
This time is different. The accountability to complete weekly posts for this blog has been a significant motivator for the past year. I have 49 weeks of blog posts before this recovery anniversary, revealing my history, self-discoveries, and thoughts. The learning I have gained from analyzing and putting my thoughts to the page has made me a stronger thinker and writer. The creativity I have enjoyed through photography and sharing beautiful images each week has fueled my excitement for the project. I have learned to discover and implement healthy habits and routines that support my sobriety; things like mindfulness, journaling, and exercise. Along with this self-analysis and growth, I have benefited from the support of a good therapist and I have been much more open and honest with loved ones and concerned friends about this issue. Also, I know that listening to or reading about recovery is a wise choice if I sense complacency settling in.
I must admit that I find benefit in holding onto negative motivation for my recovery. I do occasionally "play the tape", asking myself if I ever want to go back to my old drinking days; slowly killing myself, hurting my relationships, destroying trust in myself and others, and living a life without meaning. Even remembering the physical pain of hangovers and withdrawals is valuable to help me move forward with a positive outlook.
I am committed to my recovery and I am proud of this photography project. In the final two weeks, I will address some final thoughts about my recovery and also discuss the plans I have for my recovery and my creative efforts through photography and other media.
My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
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