"Always Stay Humble And Kind."
- Tim McGraw (2016) * link to music video below
Day 375 AF.
In the Fall of 2022, I had a series of relapses with alcohol. In mid-December that year, a close friend shared some of her thoughts with me. She said that I have no plan, that I have no goals. She asked what I wanted in life. I had no answer, no rebuttal, and could make no excuses. Thinking on this, I found myself in a low state, but not ready or willing to dig deep for understanding and resolution.
I chose to stumble again just before the end of the year, a hard lapse, a blackout binge. On January 1st of 2023, I woke feeling miserable, all the symptoms of a painful hangover in effect, feeling depressed and ashamed. This last lapse did not help answer the question of what do I want. I recall thinking long and hard as I sobered up, that my life, if I continued the pattern of drinking and alcohol abuse, failing myself and others, having no purpose or meaning, was not a life worth living.
So, the question that came to mind on the first day of this recovery journey was, "What do I not want in life?" The answer was, "Not who I've been and who I'll be if I don't change." Thoughts about the self-harm from my drinking, the harm to my relationships, and all the lost time and energy without any fulfillment, without purpose, had to end!
I have had periods of sobriety in my past, even longer than a year, but it was mainly because I was abstinent, not in recovery. Taking the alcohol away brought some level of improvement in my personal life and relationships, but I had not given the effort to engage in improved self-awareness and change for the better. Nor had I thought it necessary to examine and reconcile with my past adverse experiences. I was still the same old me, just without the alcohol.
In earlier Recovery52 posts, I have described my development of healthy habits and routines, incorporating mindfulness, and maintaining my motivation to not just remain sober but to recover fully from substance abuse. No longer desiring the "numbing" when feeling fear and the desire to escape, but instead facing fear with clarity and honesty, and no longer wanting a drug like alcohol for the false "comfort" that calms anxiety. I have moved beyond cravings and urges in early recovery. I have made changes in thinking and behaving that give me confidence in my recovery and both pride and excitement about my journey forward.
I want to point out four key points that have been different about this recovery effort:
The questions asked at the beginning of this post were an invaluable spur for me. The same good friend restated them for me recently last week: "Who do I want to be, what do I want to become?" My answer, for now, goes back to the opening quote, to be humble and kind as I grow forward.
I have been open and serious with others about my commitment to recovery this time. In the past, I have committed to sobriety in silence, thinking I was only hurting myself if I failed. Making the promise public helps me be accountable and more aware of the value of my relationships.
I found and worked honestly and openly with a therapist for several months this time.
This photography project has motivated me to ponder and post about my recovery each week, giving me a sense of accountability to follow through as a commitment to myself and others. I have benefited from learning through readings and podcasts about recovery and from clear improvement in my writing and photography efforts.
I'm not "recovered". I still find myself slipping into the protective habit of negative thinking. I occasionally find procrastination and distraction creeping in when I don't want to do the adult "stuff" of living. I know for certain that a lack of trust in myself and a lack of trust in others negatively affects my relationships. I recognize that I still have work to do in these areas, and true growth to achieve but this time I know I can stay the course, staying humble and kind!
(Next week will be the final (52nd) post for this project. I do intend to post occasionally moving forward if I feel the need, but I am working on another photography project idea that is not centered on recovery.)
My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
* "Humble and Kind" is a song written by Lori McKenna and first released by American country music singer Tim McGraw on January 20, 2016, as the second single from his fourteenth studio album, Damn Country Music.
instagram.com/bobd.photography
#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #secularreocovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject