"All too often we're filled with negative and limiting beliefs. We're filled with doubt. We're filled with guilt or with a sense of unworthiness. We have a lot of assumptions about the way the world is that are actually wrong." - Jack Canfield
Day 339 AF.
In last week's post, I left intending to be mindful of when I feel negative and limiting beliefs coming to my defense and to pause for reflection, identify the source, look for the underlying core beliefs, and question both the truth and health of my beliefs.
On Saturday, I went for a walk at a local nature park, the afternoon sky dark with threatening rain clouds, hoping to capture some photographs of the beauty I see in the external world and also to devote some thoughts to my limiting beliefs. I was successful at the photography aspect of this stroll but soon found my internal state darkening like the sky with thoughts and surfacing memories of impactful events that have shaded my perceptions and behaviors throughout my life.
In a prior post, I had listed out early childhood experiences that I consider traumatic and significant factors in my turn to substance use and choices to flee rather than fight fears triggered by difficult events or confrontational persons. Here are some more formative events that I know reinforced my black-and-white thinking for the whole of my life.
As a boy, having experienced temporary partial blindness and debilitating headaches, I rode the bus with my mom from our rural town to the city, for a diagnostic procedure at the hospital. I recall being in the restroom at the downtown bus station, doing my business at the urinal, when an old, grizzled man came up behind me, mumbling, and tried to push his hands down the front of my waistband. I froze, pushing him away. As another person was entering the restroom, he turned and left. I did not tell my mom or anyone else. I felt shame as though it was my fault and I felt guilt for saying nothing, leaving the molester to possibly offend again.
In my sophomore year of high school, our English class read Truman Capote's "In Cold Blood" and then watched the movie at the end of the assignment. In this same class, we were tasked with writing a journalistic piece about a local news story. I chose to research and write about a recent crime of two teenage girls left naked and shot to death on a forest road in a nearby town. The unresolved anger from immersion in these horrific stories helped nail my desire for swift and sure punishment for "bad” people. I believe this educational experience led me to a firm belief in retribution for the most cruel and predatory humans in our society.
September 11th, 2001, was a gut punch for me. I was made aware of the evils of fundamental radicalism. Up until this point I had paid little attention to politics and world events, letting family affairs and comfortable living hold my focus. BAM! The kind of thinking and beliefs that would lead anyone to commit such barbaric acts was incomprehensible to me. I wanted revenge. I was angry. I then became hyper-vigilant about news and politics, listening to radio and television, finding my worldview shifting to the right. I joined the hordes of social media and news junkies, seeking confirmation for my beliefs and bashing others that did not agree. This went on for years and was both enraging and exhausting, for myself and the people in my life. And I drank, a lot.
Enough of the sharing of problematic events and memories that shaped my life and to which I can attribute my desires to "unfeel", to find solace in a substance. Though I cannot change anything in my past, I can learn from it and follow a better path.
The coloring of my views and beliefs are deep set. Merely recognizing the source events and memories of my automatic and limiting beliefs does not change these beliefs. More thought is needed to question and alter the beliefs that hold me back from honest and realistic thinking and living. With this in mind, I am beginning to study critical thinking as a way to better understand my beliefs and resolve biases that darken my view of the world, others, and myself.
I will leave this post with the link to an audiobook I am listening to and I expect to identify some other helpful resources on the topic.
My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
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