"Success requires enough optimism to provide hope and enough pessimism to prevent complacency." - David Myers
From Dictionary.Com "complacency" [ kuhm-pley-suhn-see ]
noun, plural com·pla·cen·cies.
a feeling of quiet pleasure or security, often while unaware of some potential danger, defect, or the like; self-satisfaction or smug satisfaction with an existing situation, condition, etc.
Day 87. One week since breaking my 2022 record of abstinence from alcohol. My success at hitting the eighty day goal was a high point for the past week, punctuated with self-pride and accentuated with support and congratulations from friends and family. Yes, a time for celebration, but from my past experience it is also a time for caution.
I have been here before. Successfully moving through early recovery, regaining clarity and confidence, thinking I have this "problem" solved. For a time, moving forward in life with momentum and letting the memories of the last binge, the pain of withdrawals, the cravings for a return to numbness, and the hurt done to others and my relationships with them fade away. "I got this", I say to myself. I lower my guard. I become complacent. A most dangerous time for my substance use disorder!
Looking back at some of my lapses, I can't often identify a specific cause or "trigger" that led to my choice to drink alcohol, but I do know that self-satisfaction and overconfidence led me to thinking, "Just a little" or "just tonight" or "I can handle it now". Sometimes I have just said "Fuck it!" and done it anyway, not even considering the consequences. It may be that my inability to drink in moderation has both physiological and psychological factors. Perhaps a bit of both are in play when I chose to take that first and the following drinks. Whatever the causes, I have repeatedly failed in my sobriety when I have assumed that I have succeeded.
The practice of mindfulness and awareness to my recovery this time is proving successful for now. I am learning to accept the fact that recovery is an ongoing process, that achieving goals and milestones are successes, but also that I must maintain an awareness to events and issues that may trigger fears and the urge to return to past behaviors of escape and numbing. I also think that being hyper-vigilant, always "white-knuckling" through each day, or feeling deprived because I can't drink is negative and exhausting, possibly setting me up for a relapse.
Being mindful of my thoughts and feelings help me see the "potholes" and dangerous curves ahead so that I can make adjustments as I travel safely forward. Another benefit this time around is realizing I have a choice: whether or not I drink, how I feel, who I want to be. This gives me power and optimism. The journey continues, and with my intention, motivations and healthy behaviors and mind set, I look forward to a sober life!
Perhaps for next week I will ponder more deeply the fears I hold - the fears that hold me back!
Have a good week!
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