If one is estranged from oneself, then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Day 318 AF.
In preparation for writing this week's blog post, and with last week's stated intention of diving deeper into the reasons behind my substance abuse and maladaptive behaviors, I've reread all of my completed blog posts so far. I have committed to and successfully remained on the path of recovery. I'm proud of my sobriety and growth as a person and proud of the sustained effort on this photography project.
But the rereading of my posts makes it clear I'm staying safe, giving a "status report" each week, hinting that harder and deeper work remains, but too often skimming the surface, circling the drain, or kicking the can down the road. In a handful of posts, I have explicitly mentioned my fears and trust issues that need to be addressed, yet I end up forgetting or avoiding these, using the distraction of more immediate but mundane topics to fill the weekly time slot. A fear of confronting my fears? Phobophobia, perhaps??
Last week, I also completed a book about being a "creative" and in recovery. It described four main risk factors for addiction: Genetic, Developmental, Environmental, and having a Creative Nature. I tick the box for each of these, making sense of the foundations of my tendency toward substance abuse. I have rejected the idea of revisiting and reliving past traumas in order to move forward. I do believe that an awareness of formative events in my early years shaped my responses, and feelings and that my "maladaptive" behaviors put in place long ago, continue to constrain me to this day. Fear, shame, distrust of myself and others, and more negative emotions are all still at play. I am tired of this and the limits to my life and to my relationship with others. I want better, the people in my life deserve better.
But how to proceed?
I'm going to look at my formative past and my continuing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors within the framework of "Attachment Theory". Attachment theory focuses on relationships and bonds (particularly long-term) between people, including those between a parent and child and between romantic partners. It is a psychological explanation for the emotional bonds and relationships between people. This theory suggests that people are born with a need to forge bonds with caregivers as children. These early bonds may continue to have an influence on attachments throughout life.
Not being a credentialed mental health professional, merely a passionate layman, I find the concept of "Attachment Styles" resonates with me. (I won't attempt here to present the science. A simple online search will give many sources of learning on the subject.) Of the four main attachment styles, I would say I lean toward "Fearful Avoidant", which makes sense given the severity of early childhood trauma and lifelong "misguidance" from my fears, distrust, and mistrust of both myself and others.
Afraid to feel, afraid to trust, afraid to love. Ain't that just grand? I want to change this! I don't want to look for culprits in my past, lay the blame at the feet of other troubled people, or be trapped in victimhood, powerless to change. I have agency and autonomy. I have the love and support of others in my life if I would only accept it when offered. I think a great start in tearing down this wall of fear is to address significant fears and traumas in the ABC problem-solving format I've used in Smart Recovery, a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) tool for analyzing and modifying beliefs. I used this tool in Posts 38, 39, and 40 for working on real issues of concern to me.
I'll end this week without tackling a specific fear or past trauma. I wanted to lay the foundation and intent for upcoming posts. I'll leave here with a few of my problematic behaviors deserving treatment:
- Why do I lie, even the little "white" ones? Why am I afraid of being completely honest?
- Why do I automatically think "Why I can't" versus "Why can't I" when offered opportunities?
- I am strongly triggered by violent crimes and acts by evil people, and I firmly believe some people are evil. Am I wrong for wanting retributive justice?
- When confronted or challenged by others with strong emotions or physical threats I freeze or flee. Why and how do I change this?
Until next time.
My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
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