"My recovery must come first so that everything I love in life doesn’t have to come last." – Anonymous
This is not my first attempt at recovery from alcohol misuse but I hope it is my last and "lasting" one. A number of times, at different stages in my life I have found alcohol to be a numbing agent when pain and anxiety arise, a celebratory substance when good feelings led me to chase a higher excitement, and often a combination of both down and up emotions, with me running from pain and chasing after pleasure. Always ending badly .... always temporary .... always feeling worse! Any pains I was trying to ignore were not resolved and I was in a worse state to try and address them. Any pleasures I was trying to capture were only imagined, and worse the relationships available to me in the world and with others were damaged or destroyed altogether (broken trusts!)
I think I am at a stage where I want to go deeper in understanding my lapses. I do know there was early childhood trauma. I know that my lifelong behaviors of avoidance and dishonesty have early roots, my attempts at self-protection, fears of rejection and commitment all need examination. I have suffered from depression and wonder if other mental health diagnoses might apply. Am I ready for this deep dive? For now, I am committed to this effort and have begun counseling with a therapist I trust. This part of the recovery journey will be the topic(s) for a future post.
My commitment to abstinence is very serious and I am aware that I am protectively holding others at a distance, keeping my own activities limited to safe and satisfying behaviors. The first line I write in my daily planner is "Sobriety / Well-Being". The last line I write in my journal each day is, hopefully, "A safe and sober day." I try to fill my time between the day start and finish with healthy and creative pursuits, with much time devoted to mindfulness. This is not selfish, this is self-care!
I think next week may be a description of my routines and activities that keep me grounded, moving upward in sobriety.