"Fear is a question. What are you afraid of and why? Our fears are a treasure house of self-knowledge if we explore them." - Marilyn French
"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." - John F. Kennedy
Day 325 AF.
This post opens with two quotes that resonate with me this week. I left last week's post committing to working on understanding deep-seated fears laid down in early childhood. That is still my intent, but I also think it's important to recognize the holidays with an expression of gratitude. I've grown up with the American tradition of the Thanksgiving celebration and as a practice, we have always asked those gathered for the day to say what we are thankful for.
So, with the first quote in mind, let me address the issue of fears instilled in me from traumatic experiences in early childhood, also known as the more sanitized "Adverse Childhood Experiences". I won't give a complete list of experiences I can remember or those experiences related to me from other family members that occurred before I could even form memories. I also don't want to dwell on these traumas in detail as I worry these may trigger unwanted memories of others in recovery who may be reading this. I will share just a few now, with more attention to other experiences as needed for my healing in future posts.
My biological father abandoned the family before I was a year old, and was known to have been diagnosed with depression.
My first step-father beat and burned me. I don't recall the abuse but was shown photos later. I know that this set my fear center, my amygdala, to "High" on the self-preservation dial.
My second stepfather did some horrible things to the family that I won't detail here. But later on, I learned that he had joined and destroyed another family and was convicted of murdering a child.
My third stepfather was a drunk and a wife-beater. I recall the screaming and suffering of my mom every time he came home drunk. I recall my brother, not much older than me, maybe seven years old, trying to intervene one night and being thrown against a wall, himself. The town cops, also his drinking buddies, would show up and haul him to the station to sober up, without legal penalty. He was a son-of-a bitch.
The fourth man in my mom's life was emotionally unhealthy and lived with us but refused to divorce his legal wife as he enjoyed her financial comforts. Not a role model.
Damn, they were all sons of bitches!! (Geez, I think there was another one between 4 and 5, but I'll fill this in later.)
Just writing these lines begins to raise my anger. These experiences caused me to fear being hurt, fear feeling pain, to shut down, and not express myself for fear of retribution. These fears led me to choose safe or soothing behaviors, finding myself engaging in flight or freeze modes, never brave enough to fight in my own defense. Fantasy and science fiction, and imaginary play as a child allowed me an escape from reality as a youth. Adulthood and being of legal age let me discover a different way to escape, to numb, to hide from unresolved fears and anxieties. Welcome, alcohol, and other numbing substances to a lesser extent.
Enough for now, I am working on this aspect of my recovery, recognizing and resolving fears when triggered, and not holding resentment. Forgiveness is not something those mentioned above deserve. Forgiveness is something I can give myself for not healing much earlier in life. I blame no one for my maladaptive behaviors, poor decisions, or current state. I am not looking for sympathy and making excuses for my substance misuse. I own my future and intend to continue moving forward in a positive way.
Now, to close, I want to refer to the second quote above by President J.F. Kennedy. It is Thanksgiving and I want to express my gratitude for my recovery. 325 days successfully sober, healing and growing in ways I had never achieved in prior attempts at sobriety! I have had a very good therapist providing invaluable guidance on this journey. I have had the love and support from family and friends that I have learned to appreciate, finally being open to their concern, sincerity, and honesty. This has helped me to be more trusting of others. I am also learning to trust myself, feeling pride in my commitment to my recovery.
I still have work to do for my continued growth, and I am confident the skills and mindset that I now practice will allow me to move forward on the journey. I am grateful for all of the relationships and resources available to me. I am grateful for my health and satisfying lifestyle that many people do not enjoy. I am grateful for my life!
Next week, I'll return to resolving issues from the past that impact me still.
I wish all of you a good holiday season.
My way of recovery is working for me. Recovery may be different for everyone in the recovery community and I wish success to all.
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
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