A little kingdom I possess, where thoughts and feelings dwell; And very hard the task I find of governing it well. - Louisa May Alcott
Day 241 AF.
Recent events and situations have been at play that have triggered my emotions, affected my moods, and challenged my thoughts.
⦁ I was afflicted with the shingles virus on the same weekend that I had received the shingles vaccine.
⦁ My son's wedding celebration was planned and I was very excited to be a part of this.
⦁ I have loved ones dealing with serious personal health issues and I had committed to be available for care-giving situations.
⦁ On my own personal health front, I was recently diagnosed as pre-diabetic, and I have ongoing tinnitus that won't be addressed for treatment until January.
⦁ I have not been to the gym to work out or joined in group hikes for over two weeks.
I realize that my stack of issues and concerns is small compared to the hardships and suffering of people near and dear to me and of those people struggling in their own recovery efforts that I read about in the recovery Facebook groups. In actuality, the current state of my life is pretty damn good! I am grateful for where I am, what I have, and the growth I am experiencing in recovery.
Though my "problems" are relative compared to others, I think it is worth sharing my experience and thoughts for the week here.
I experienced a mix of emotions and recognized the emotions actually changing over time in the past week. Having shingles was both painful and contagious. The pain had me limit my activities and disrupted my normal daily living and sleep. The contagiousness of the outbreak had me evaluate the risk to others I presented, and I actually chose to skip my son's wedding ceremony. I also chose not to assist a close friend with the necessary medical support I had been committed to. The outbreak of the shingles virus was my reason for missing workouts at the gym and group hikes. In a self-imposed "lock-down" so as not to spread the virus, and without distractions I found myself being more sensitive to the tinnitus, contemplating my diet for healthy change, putting effort into analyzing my financial state, and giving thoughts to my longer-term desires, goals, and plans.
My success here was being aware of my feelings in the moment, noticing feelings change over time, from fear to sadness and then to regret for different issues. For example, I seriously worried that I could infect others at the wedding, even with precautions. I was very sad about not being there on the day of the missed celebration. But then after the event, I felt regret for missing out and letting others down, doubting my decisions. The same mix of emotions has run the gamut for missing the commitment to caregiving and to maintaining my physical fitness. Layered on the mix of changing emotions, I recognized anxiety swirling over uncertainty about future health conditions and self-doubt regarding financial management and goal-setting. I have to say I felt a state of depression that I have not felt in a long time.
An important note here is also thinking about my risk of relapse. I considered going out alone to be in nature a couple of times when I was feeling low. But I recognized the niggling doubt of self-trust, playing the thought through, and remembering past relapses where I have had (keeping it clean here) the "eff it" moment, justifying the idea of a glass or two of wine would be OK for now, that I could handle it. Additionally, I did think about the potential of relapse at the wedding celebration. The positive emotions of happiness and pride leading me to chasing the good feelings in the moment, thinking I could handle it. Memories of past relapses, whether to avoid pain or to seek pleasure, and not "handling it" are vivid and valuable in my sobriety.
I witnessed my thoughts and feelings. I allowed them to be, understand them, pass on by, and not surrender. I did focus on the important things. Prior defense mechanisms and coping strategies, such as denial or numbing had no place here, no place now in my recovery. I made it and will continue on the path of recovery and growth.
If my writings in this photography project can benefit anyone in their recovery, I am proud to be of service!
Staying mindful and strong!
instagram.com/bobd.photography
#Recovery52 #recovery #sobriety #addictionrecovery #smartrecovery #mindfulrecovery #creativerecovery #soberphotography #photography #photographyproject #photoproject